Some time in my early twenties, I had a dream. I dreamed that I was walking into a room, a huge ballroom though I know not the occasion, and everyone I knew - and had ever known - was there, old friends, new ones, colleagues, clients, family. And as I stood on the threshold I froze – I didn’t know how to ‘be’ with everyone, all at the same time. Individually or in small groups I’d know how to act, but in front of everyone, nobody would see me as someone they recognised. That dream has stayed with me for a long time.

I know now that it was a problem with living in integrity. I imagine, through an excruciating instinct for self-protection, I was limiting the expression of my personality to just what was required of me in the moment. I’d boxed myself in. I’m not sure I even knew who I really was underneath, consistently and over time, I just knew who I needed to be in each scenario. That’s not how you make real connections in life, and it can leave you feeling very lonely, on an existential scale.

In 2012 I left a marriage. I had a whole new life to reinvent. I left Abu Dhabi for Dubai, and doubled down on the luxury real estate business I’d recently discovered I was good at. I’ve always had high ambitions for myself and I knew that I now had to make it on my own to keep life comfortable financially, find a whole new set of friends, figure out who I was without all the trappings of my old life to define myself by, and design the life I intended for myself. I needed to sit with some personal questions, not fight the discomfort, and stick with it long enough to find a few answers. I’ve always had the odd epiphany in life where I surfaced some great truth to myself, and now was a time for some of that.

I realised that dream I’d had in my twenties, being deeply uncomfortable, self-protected and small, was my own limiting vulnerability. I didn’t think that was actually who I was any longer, I’d grown in confidence since then, as we often do with maturity and experience, but being guarded had become a habit. I wanted to experience the freedom of my own authenticity, and live, no masks, in a way where I was congruent with myself regardless of what company I was in. To truly do that would require self-confidence in all aspects of my life, not just what was in play at that moment. And this would probably require some stretching, some trial and error and some being uncomfortable. Fearfulness has never been one of my problems. What I lacked was direction and intention.

I didn’t really know what ‘being authentic’ meant to me at that time, but it seemed very important, and the alternative, exhausting. I had no sense of what my real values were, I’d been navigating blind, having chameleoned myself to fit in whatever box was necessary to my surroundings. Or what my boundaries were, what were slam dunk ‘deal-breakers’ for me that would point to some underlying truth about my character which I hadn’t uncovered yet? I decided I needed to figure out what things would make me truly happy, regardless of who was around, or watching, but where I could experience myself as ME and choose what aspects of my potential I was going to bring to light for my own enjoyment. Where was I going to assign value?

I easily understood one of those things was travel – seeing the world and exploring new places has always called to me. That was something which definitely had value for me alone, no witnesses required. And while I did want to have these experiences in a group, that was for connection and the joy to be found in shared experience, but not to bear witness. In fact I’ve found you can lose yourself and truly be present in these circumstances. It’s very liberating to travel with a bunch of strangers. You don’t need any backstory or baggage – you’re just ‘there’.

As an added bonus, I was moving to a new city and this might be a way to make true friends and connections which would outlive the trip and provide a platform to build a new friend base. Maybe I’d even find the love of my life in due course (it took four years for our paths to cross on a trip to India, but I did, and on 25th May 2019 we were married in Nashville with all those wonderful friends - which I did actually find - in attendance). To find your tribe, it was clear to me that it’s best to figure out what really makes your heart sing, go do those things, and meet like-minded people also doing those things. While it’s important to understand your own drives in isolation, it’s also really important to connect with others who make you feel seen and known. It’s a big lonely world without familial bonds. If you know who you are you can find them because you know where to look.

I also knew learning was important to me. Psychology, deep truths, philosophy, observations on life, and how to be. I would read and watch lectures and documentaries, and I would travel (and sell really luxurious real estate, that was still going pretty well). I started to select goals for myself in different areas of life, and made slow but steady progress towards a whole and balanced life.

I’ve always sought to connect with like minds and join common interest groups, though I only later identified this as a pattern in my life. Now in Dubai I found a business networking group to fast track meeting new people and making connections so that I wouldn’t feel so adrift in my new environment. I do have to steel myself in these scenarios, but feeling part of something has always been a strong anchor for me to quickly adapt to the landscape (including the people who inhabit it) so I accept putting myself out there as necessary, and eventually it has become easy to start those conversations and find common ground with new people. In two and a half years I went from nervous paralysis, to a seat on the leadership team, and finally accepting a slot on live radio (via one of the members) to speak about real estate. It felt like a small triumph in the realm of public speaking which mirrored my own personal growth.

I also spoke to people already working in the life coaching profession during this time and found their work really resonated with me. In some sense what I’d been doing for myself was grounded in the same principles, and I came to understand that it’s quite common to reach (or have forced upon you) a transition point, often at mid-life, where this ‘self-work’ is screaming out to you to be done.

I’d been doing the thinking for myself, but by now I felt like I’d trod a path where I could offer help to people on the same journey. Mostly because they already naturally came to me wanting to talk. It’s a weird thing, but people have always sought me out, and laid their confidences at my feet. The value of privacy, and respecting the divinity and uniqueness in each and every individual feels like a sacred truth to me, and I think other people can sense that. A coach holding a safe and encouraging space open for you to explore your own realisations, offering a neutral sounding board, with research, models and exercises to illuminate or quicken the process sure would have made this self actualisation stuff a lot easier for me.

I started to see that the strategies of life coaching could fast track some of these self observations for other people, which had come to me (and still incompletely at that) only over several years, and I recognised that I wanted to formally train to be a life coach. I’ve now added to my core training further skills in relationship coaching, executive and leadership coaching, brain-based coaching, heart-based coaching and studied how we use stories and archetypes to both build and re-build our psyches.

I accept that life is abundant with new opportunities for connection, but not all people are ‘your people’, and that’s ok. It’s great to get along, but it’s not necessary to carry friendships or connections that don’t serve you. If you keep firm boundaries, you can design the ‘people landscape’ that suits you best, quality over quantity. That will apply to me as your coach as well, and that’s why it was important to me to share my story with you. When it comes to the circle of trust it pays to be discerning about who you align yourself with and where you spend your time. What’s meant for you will not pass you by. If you stay attuned to who and what resonates with you, those people will find you, and they will stick around.

As for vulnerability, I have learned that the antidote to that is service to others. And that is what I hope to bring to you as your coach.